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Ask Fiona: Ought to I settle for a free vacation?

SHOULD I ACCEPT A FREE HOLIDAY?

My husband died 4 years in the past, and I’ve been fortunate to have a very good good friend to assist me by means of it. We go method again and he or she’s as near a soul mate as you may be.

We spend a variety of time collectively, together with taking holidays, as her husband by no means desires to go. These breaks have turn out to be crucial to me, and though she is significantly higher off than me, we now have all the time shared the price equally.

Unexpectedly, she acquired divorced final 12 months – it was messy and never very amicable. She did get a really beneficiant settlement, although. The entire course of upset her loads, so I’ve carried out what I can to help her.

All through this time, she has wished to do much more touring with me, I suppose to cheer herself up. I’ve gone together with the primary couple of journeys, however they’ve been vastly costly. My good friend now desires to spend a month on an all-inclusive, guided tour of India, however I merely cannot afford it.

I dodged the problem for a number of weeks till my good friend cornered me and requested if one thing was flawed. I confessed that though I might love the journey, I simply have not acquired the cash for it. At which level she provided to pay! I mentioned instantly that that will not be proper and I’d really feel awkward about it, however she mentioned that is foolish as she will be able to simply afford it. She additionally mentioned that, if I do not go, we’ll miss out on an excellent journey as a result of she will not go with out me.

A part of me now feels responsible that I’m stopping her from going however, on the similar time, I do know that I’ll hate feeling like I owe one thing if I let her pay. I’m actually confused about this, and do not know what to do for the perfect. I’m worrying a lot about it that it is maintaining me awake at night time. Why is she doing this, and may I simply settle for her generosity from her? The very last thing I need to do is upset her additional or danger our friendship.

HR

FIONA SAYS: COULD YOU REPAY HER GENEROSITY IN OTHER WAYS?

I can perceive why this is likely to be making you anxious and confused. Differing revenue ranges can put a pressure on some friendships, typically even trigger them to float aside. Nevertheless, please attempt to not fear about this an excessive amount of. Your friendship has lasted for a few years with this inequality in place, so the chances are good that it could actually survive this.

It is comprehensible your good friend ought to need to pamper herself following her sudden and messy divorce. It is also potential that when she has acquired this out of her system, issues will return to regular. On this context, one possibility is to inform her that you’ll settle for her from her beneficiant provide from her, however provided that she agrees that this can be a one-off and that you may repay her kindness from her in different methods. This might take many types, from treating her to a spa day or maybe a visit to the theater. It additionally needn’t contain spending cash; you might cook dinner some favourite meals for her, or provide her to do a chore or process that she has been pushing aside.

In case you actually cannot settle for her provide although, you may want to clarify this to her fastidiously. There’s a risk that she might react badly to the information, particularly if she nonetheless feeling damage following the divorce, so be light. Make it clear that that is all about your have to pay your individual method and never about your friendship, which is essential to you.

You have helped one another by means of some important trauma over the previous few years and the very last thing you need to do is upset her. Stress that she’ll nonetheless be your finest good friend ought to she go on her personal or with others, and that you simply look ahead to listening to about all of it when she returns.

AM I DEPRESSED?

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for simply over two years. In that point I’ve gained a few stone and a half in weight and it is making me depressing. The extra depressing I get, the extra I eat.

My boyfriend says he nonetheless loves me, and we’re speaking about getting married, nevertheless, I’m nonetheless apprehensive that he has gone off me and that he’ll quickly go away me. I really feel fats and so ugly and I do not perceive what he nonetheless sees in me. I really like him very a lot and need to be with him, however one thing tells me he’s simply being variety as a result of he feels sorry for me.

I feel he is aware of one thing is flawed, as a result of he is requested if one thing is bothering me. The issue is, I can not inform him how I really feel in case he then decides that I’m not proper for him and leaves me. I can not really feel constructive about something now and spend a variety of time crying in mattress. In actual fact, I practically misplaced my job final month due to the period of time I’ve taken off. What is going on on? My older sister used to get depressed commonly, is that what’s flawed?

W.F.

FIONA SAYS: SEE YOUR GP

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this fashion. There’s some proof that melancholy may be pushed by genetics, and a few of what you describe could possibly be signs of melancholy. So, maybe the perfect factor so that you can do initially is have a dialog along with your GP. Whether it is melancholy, the excellent news is it may be handled, both with remedy or counseling or each. You also needs to point out your weight acquire, to rule out any medical cause why this is likely to be taking place.

Regardless of the consequence of this dialog, I feel it is best to contemplate counseling assist anyway. You have satisfied your self that you’re fats and ugly, even when your boyfriend is telling you he loves you and desires to marry you. This poor self-image then drives you to eat extra meals, which suggests a nasty cycle of damaging pondering that must be damaged, and you may most likely need assistance to do that.

Please contact Beat Consuming Issues (beateatingdisorders.org.uk) for help and knowledge. The charity has a free helpline in addition to group and one-to-one on-line chat providers.

Lastly, you actually do want to speak about this along with your boyfriend. He will need to have seen that one thing is flawed and it is unfair on him to maintain him in the dead of night. In case you proceed to cover how you’re feeling, he would possibly take this to imply you’re going off him – and that is the very last thing you need to occur. Inform him and stress that you simply love him. Clarify that you are feeling down and are sad concerning the weight you may have placed on. Then collectively, you can begin to show this round. You are able to do this!

SHOULD I ASK ABOUT RUBELLA?

Twenty years in the past, once I had my first youngster, I used to be examined for rubella. I’ve remarried just lately and, to my shock and no little shock, I’m pregnant once more. I’m pleased, but additionally involved that no-one has requested me about rubella this time round. Is that proper or ought to I ask the physician?

KR

FIONA SAYS: YES, BUT RATES ARE VERY LOW

My understanding is that the charges of rubella are so low within the UK that the NHS now not routinely checks for it in those that need to have infants. The MMR vaccine plus the catch-up faculties program some years in the past means the illness has been just about eradicated.

In case you have been so minded, you might have a non-public take a look at carried out however, as you might be already pregnant, it is probably not acceptable to have the vaccine anyway. Nevertheless, if you’re nonetheless involved, please converse to your physician.

HOW CAN I HELP MY DAUGHTER’S SOCIAL SITUATION?

My daughter is 13 and has no associates at college. She has studying difficulties (dyslexia) and I’m certain this is among the causes she is seen as completely different. She is likely to be a bit of immature, however everybody grows up at a special tempo and, in so some ways, she’s only a regular 13-year-old who finds it laborious to speak to different younger folks. I do know she tries, however it appears they simply do not need to know her.

It appears the workers are the identical. For instance, my daughter enjoys sport, however the coach is dismissive of her. This upsets my daughter as a result of she feels so overlooked in the whole lot. I spoke to the coach and it is clear he is solely within the good gamers. At dwelling, my daughter is an excellent and loving youngster. Nevertheless, she actually does not need to go to high school anymore. What can I do to assist her? I do not suppose altering faculties will assist, as this can most likely solely create the identical isolation.

nameless

FIONA SAYS: SPEAK TO HER TUTOR

In case your daughter is feeling remoted and never supported, it is no surprise she does not need to go. Aside from the sports activities coach, have you ever spoken to different members of workers on the college? If not, please organize to see her de ella kind tutor de ella or her de ella head of home de ella and clarify your issues. Alternatively, many colleges even have a specialist counselor for coping with pupil points like this. It is potential that the college is unaware of your daughter’s issues, particularly if it’s a notably large one. Wherein case, as soon as they’re knowledgeable, I’d count on them to work with you to create a plan that can allow your daughter to raised combine into college life.

When you’ve got already had this sort of dialog with the college (and nothing has modified) then it is laborious to flee the conclusion that it has collectively failed your daughter. Wherein case, a change of college could also be the best choice – maybe to at least one with a specialist studying difficulties unit.

When you’ve got an issue you need assistance with, e-mail Fiona by writing to assist@askfiona.internet for recommendation. All letters are handled in full confidence and, to guard this privateness, Fiona is unable to cross in your messages to different readers. Fiona regrets that she can’t enter into private correspondence.

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